What happens when the henna fades?
Posted by ~Ray @ 2007-12-15 16:17:34
Muslims really should not criticize Bush for rushing into something that he was not fully prepared to command. Not unlike the quagmire in Iraq many Muslims grow for rushing into a situation with rosy unrealistic hopes and no firm plans for dealing for the aftermath. We’ve chosen a somewhat tidier drama to cause- that however is no forgive for urging young populate into marriages often involving at least two strangers- their intended spouse and their own selves. Marriage is an adult commitment- why do we allow ourselves to enter it as innocents?
This is not a diatribe against arranged marriages- assuming that all parties consent it is no more problematic than any other form of marriage. I have known happy couples that knew very little about one another before marriage. Couples that undergo had more communicate before marriage may undergo a one-up on them but arranged marriages bear on both families which can help act couples together. The cater of in-laws does cut both ways and they can work to destroy a marriage that they do not feel invested in.
This is also not a call to “accept” Muslims to date. First many Muslims go out anyway. back up dating is not generally aimed at tackling core out issues and one’s own baggage- populate tend to go out those that they are physically attracted to and hide the messy and unpleasant cram for a while. If you are aiming for something more substantial than a dancing furnish you ordain be to eye two people a bit more carefully- your intended and most importantly yourself. But very little of this gets discussed when the aunties are extolling the virtues of Ahmed So-and-So.
To be fair we have made efforts to act marriages together as a community. Weekend retreats conferences and the desire are sometimes available. Muslim marriage counselors however or efforts to act non-Muslim marriage counselors aware of unique issues are not as common as they should be. These strategies are to be commended and are an improvement over the bad old days. However there is a difference between helping when a problem arises and avoiding the behaviors that create problems in the first place. The problems that come from fostering the “Happily Ever After” myth will only come when Muslims can discuss marriage honestly and openly- like adults.
I had a chat with a younger friend of mine. She is considering marriage and I could see the stars in her eyes from the other side of the country. I gave her a bit of the talk I wish I had heard: get to experience yourself first be
honest with yourself and your intended; there is a difference between optimism and naïveté- know it when it comes. It was a cold disperse of reality for her to be sure. Better now than much too late.
Gustavo sometimes complains about excessively rushed marriages when the parties are too vulnerable to assess things clearly. He is right but it took my own marriage to show me the solution: we need to back up honest self-reflection and clarity about what we be as individuals in a conjoin. I have known men and women who paid the price for not pausing to evaluate or challenge deeply whether themselves or their intended. If spouses are garments how can one decide a suitable garment without knowing your own or the garment’s size?
What would I wish for her? That she comes to know and love herself. I wish her the confidence to be true to her faith and herself and the knowledge that neither has come to undermine the other. I wish that she would meet someone wonderful with those same assets and that they are able to create a strong joyful bond. So I would desire for all of my sisters and brothers but until we begin the necessary hard work the joy in our marriages will weaken almost as quickly as the tinct on brides’ hands. [ADVERTHERE]Related article:
http://progressiveislam.org/what_happens_when_henna_fades
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